My Mother Has Another Partner, What Should I Do?

Does your mother have another partner and you don't know how to behave or what you're feeling? Here are some tips on how to cope.

When you found out, your jaw dropped to the floor. Now you don’t know how to assimilate the news and you’re even afraid to say it out loud: “My mother has another partner”. What’s the right way to behave in a moment like this?

Accepting that your mother is in love with someone else isn’t easy, of course. Emotions and thoughts are all over the place and you don’t know how to sort through everything you’re feeling. Let’s go bit by bit to try to understand every aspect of this situation.

My mother has another partner: Put your emotions into order

To begin with, you must be clear that everything that’s happening to you is perfectly normal and that, with a little patience, everything will come to fruition. No one’s going to ask you to become their best friend overnight and be all smiles; it’s a process that requires going slowly, without forcing uncomfortable situations.

Take some time to get to know mom’s new partner. Observe them, listen to their opinions, see what they like, and don’t jump to premature conclusions. When we do, it’s harder for you to get past that preconceived idea you’ve created of them and this limits you from really getting to know them.

The time has come for you to work on your empathy. Yes, we know it’s a word that’s sometimes hard to deal with. During childhood and adolescence, what you want is to be understood and empathize with you, but it’s hard to do the same for others.

However, for a few moments, you need to put yourself in your mother’s shoes so you can understand how she feels. She may be happy about this new relationship, but rest assured that she’s also worried about how you might react and how it might affect you.

Jealousy: An obstacle to overcome

The previous point leads us to pay attention to the fact that jealousy is likely to be one of the emotions you’re feeling right now. Someone else has arrived who can take away mom’s attention and affection; you may think that you’re no longer important to her or that she’s not considering how you feel.

However, you should know that the relationship between a mother and her children has nothing to do with that of a couple, even if he’s their father. They’re very different kinds of affections and, as a general rule, she’ll always prioritize the welfare of her children, or yours, when it comes to having another partner.

She deserves it! Keep in mind that it’s very healthy for all family members to have an independent and happy life. In the same way that you claim your space and that they respect your relationships, your mother needs it, too.

Tomorrow you’ll leave home and the big problem of “my mother has another relationship” will be an unimportant detail for you and a big change in her life. Trust her; if she’s made the decision to be with someone else and has shared it with you, it’s because she’s sure that this person brings value to her life.

It’s logical for this new situation to cause you insecurity. Reach out to your mother and tell her how you feel, communicate with her! She’ll be happy to listen to you and find a way to make you feel more comfortable with this change.

My mother has another partner, how should I behave?

• Be as natural as possible and remember that it’s not easy for the other person either. He doesn’t know if you’ll accept them, or how to approach you.
• Learn to be cordial. You don’t need to engage in a long chat with him, but you do need to greet him and respond to his questions. This way, you’ll be able to see how the relationship flows.

• If you feel comfortable, you can try to find some connection with your mom’s boyfriend. Maybe you share some tastes or have similar interests. This could be a good way to get to know each other.
• You don’t have to call him dad or stepdad, just call him by his name. Remember that he hasn’t come to replace anything or anyone; neither your mother’s affection, nor your father figure.

Breathe, open up, and understand that your mother deserves a second chance. Keep in mind that, for her, your well-being is paramount; this means that she’s willing to listen to you and look for alternatives.

Finally, accept that, if your parents have separated, it’s because they were very clear about it and most likely they won’t get back together. Why not let each of them try to be happy on their own?