7 Keys to Regain Authority with Your Children
Being a reference figure for a child can be quite a challenge. How can you build authority without imposing it? How can you give them their space without them this becoming counterproductive? These questions may haunt you continuously. In this article, you can find some keys that will help you regain authority with your children.
What do you think about authority?
A good place to start is by asking yourself what you think authority is. For example, in more traditional parenting methods, authority is equal to being older: Whoever’s older has the right to decide and establish the rules. A good synthesis of this conception is “because I say so and that’s it”. If you believe that authority is synonymous with authoritarianism, then your way of educating will be closed and rigid.
However, there are also other more flexible conceptions that shouldn’t be confused with permissiveness or a lack of limits. This is authority based on mutual respect that proposes the search for a balance: Neither submission nor abuse of power. Limits are the basis of a healthy relationship. Undoubtedly, the idea you have of authority influences the way you educate your children and face your relationship with them.
Know these keys in order to regain authority with your children
Some keys to help you regain authority with your children are the following:
1. Be consistent
It’s important that you maintain consistency in your decisions and rules. This helps you avoid the ambivalence of “one day yes, another day no” that usually generates confusion in young people, in addition to making you not very credible or predictable.
2. Be clear
Being clear and concise is essential when communicating. In this regard, point out the expected behaviors and rules. Don’t leave them open for interpretation, as each person could give them a different meaning.
3. Choose the rules
Authority also wears thin when everything becomes a “no”. While it’s important that you take care of your children, you also need to allow them to exercise their freedom through decision-making. Those rules that, if not obeyed, put them in danger, are unbreakable. For example, they may not ride a motorcycle without a helmet. However, there are other rules that can be discussed and that can vary as children grow up.
4. Act firmly and consistently
For both rights and wrongs, you need to keep your word. Authority has nothing to do with rigidity, but quite the opposite.
5. Don’t use violence
Authority based on violence is actually built around fear and not based on respect or other values. So, if you want to be respected, you must also be able to treat your children with respect.
6. Talk to your child and tell them how you feel
Don’t build an “all-powerful” facade, as if nothing that happens affects you. Rather, express your emotions so that your child empathizes and is aware that their actions also have consequences on people.
7. Try to listen to their point of view
Talk to your child and ask them to explain why they act the way they do. This way, you’ll be able to understand and find the best solution to the problem.
You may be interested in: Healthy Boundaries will Set Your Child Up for Success
How to know if you’ve lost authority with your children
Authority has to have a balance: Not everything can be a resounding “no”, nor can you allow your children to do anything they want. Here are some examples that can show you that there’s an absence of limits and a loss of authority:
- There’s disrespect, insults, and teasing when you give them an order.
- There’s constant disobedience.
- You don’t lead by example. Your actions and words contradict each other.
- There are situations of complacency toward the child or adolescent. For example, if you feel guilty because you don’t spend time with your child, you’ll end up saying yes to everything. Over time, the lack of authority brings negative consequences, both in coexistence and in your child’s relationships with their environment.
Finally, it’s worth noting that authority deserves much more than a one-way analysis. That is, it’s not only about your child’s disobedience but also about your own behaviors that are contradictory. For example, you tell them that mistreatment isn’t right, but you yell at them when you have to correct them. This does nothing to help you regain authority.
You may be interested in: Setting Limits From a Young Age Isn’t Being Rigid
Accept that you’re a human being and that you also make mistakes
Undoubtedly, acceptance deserves a special section. Especially because, many times, you think that if you show yourself as having doubts or admit mistakes to your children, you’ll lose authority. However, this is wrong. Acceptance is the first starting point to reduce pressure and be open to dialogue and joint construction.
This way, you’re aware that when making decisions, you can make mistakes and that there’s nothing wrong with that. In short, authority isn’t about your child blindly obeying the rules, but understanding what the result of doing so is. Making a mistake and making up for it doesn’t undermine authority; on the contrary, it strengthens it.
All cited sources were thoroughly reviewed by our team to ensure their quality, reliability, currency, and validity. The bibliography of this article was considered reliable and of academic or scientific accuracy.
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- Aguilar Solorio, S. I., & Hamui Sutton, A. (2011). Tipos de límites en la dinámica familiar y su relación con el fracaso escolar en adolescentes. atención familiar, 18(4).
- Romero Escobar, H. (2006). La adolescencia al límite. Revista De Psiquiatría Infanto-Juvenil, 23(1, 3 y 4), 14-19. Recuperado a partir de https://www.aepnya.eu/index.php/revistaaepnya/article/view/41